A few months ago, the WSL announced their partnership with Pilgrim Media Group on the creation and production of an eight-episode reality competition show called “Ultimate Surfer”. The show — which is to air on ABC — will gather some of the world’s best surfers at the Surf Ranch in Lemoore, California, where they’ll live and train together (very much in the vein of “Big Brother” or “Survivor”) and will compete in individual and team challenges focused on specific surfing disciplines. What in the hell that actually entails is not entirely clear at the moment. But here’s what we do know about the forthcoming reality show: Slater will serve as on-air talent (obviously), alliances and rivalries will be front and center (when are they not in reality TV?), there will be weekly eliminations in which contestants get kicked off the Surf Ranch until one man and one woman reign supreme. Oh, also the winners will get to compete on the World Tour, which might actually be the strangest part in all of this.
Showrunners have yet to announce the cast of the “Ultimate Surfer”, so we thought we’d go ahead and do them a solid by handing them our own inarguable list of would-be reality surf stars who’d set those cable ratings soaring. Go ahead and give it a read, ABC. And feel free to send us a finder’s fee.
Sterling Spencer
Entertaining reality TV is all about finding combustible personalities, putting them in close quarters and tossing in a match—and Sterling should be that match. His trolling abilities are as legendary (more so?) than his freakish surfing abilities, and he’d quickly get under his competitors’ skin with cryptic comments like, “I heard Kelly turns the pool from the ‘Elite’ setting to ‘QS’ for your waves…I wonder what that means?” or, “It’s so inspiring to see how far you’ve come despite the fact that you wax your board that way.” Unfortunately, it would become clear pretty quickly that he doesn’t care about becoming the “Ultimate Surfer” and is only there as an agent of chaos. Once the jig is up, I’m guessing he’d get voted off pretty quickly (or however it works), but he’d still make for an entertaining few episodes before he’s ousted.
Anastasia Ashley
I’m pretty sure this is the role she was born to play. Ashley is a good surfer, sure, but more than that she knows how to create a viral moment. She twerked her way from mid-tier pro to internet celebrity some years ago and has since added things like foraging for pineapples sans clothing on Discovery’s “Naked and Afraid” to her resume. She’ll do whatever it takes to not only become the “Ultimate Surfer”, but also to create situations worthy of click-baity headlines along the way. I can already hear her now, talking directly to camera, right on cue: “I didn’t come here to make friends, I came here to win.”
Bruce Irons
Bruce was the ultimate surfer long before “Ultimate Surfer” was pitched across some Tinseltown exec’s desk. Bruce is surfing’s Kenny F. Powers incarnate. His surfing and mouth are both loose cannons—which would make reality TV that’s hard to look away from. Imagine the nicknames he’d dole out to his fellow contestants, all while wearing his trademark gold chain and wearing out the editor’s “bleep” button. Bruce would bring the much needed Jerry Springer element to whatever this show is going to be. Throw Bruce in the cast and watch the Surf Ranch’s West Elm chaise lounges fly into the wave tank. Now that would be good TV.
Mason Ho
Mason is hands-down the most entertaining surfer in the world. His barrel-riding technique is so spontaneous and unique that he may be the only surfer audiences can watch get tubed over and over at Surf Ranch without nodding off. Mason’s unrelentingly positive attitude may actually be a drawback in the eyes of drama-hungry producers, but we’d love to watch him mediate some petty reality TV squabbles in an inevitably hilarious way. Hell, even watching the dude wax his board is entertaining.
DJ Paul Fisher
Remember, this is going to broadcast on television, so the show’s producers would be wise to cast someone with some star power to draw in the non-surfy audience. Fisher was a talented ‘QS grinder back in the day, but his fame has compounded exponentially since he became FISHER — a Grammy-nominated, beat-making DJ who regularly sells out stadiums full of EDM-loving (and, let’s be honest, high-as-hell) fans. Paris Hilton is known to comment on his IG account from time to time, and he once famously paddled out a phallic-shaped surfboard…which he kinda ripped on. If that isn’t reality TV fodder, what is?
Albee Layer
Based on his big-wave and above-the-lip performances, Albee Layer clearly has whatever it takes to be the “Ultimate Surfer” if you’re talking about actual surfing. But we’re adding him in here more so for his propensity for rabble-rousing and call bullshit when it’s due. Not ever one to self-censor, Layer would call out the judges (even if one of them is the GOAT himself) for scoring an individual too high in a specific challenge or could provide some much-needed clarification on what to call an air that involves any rotation over 360. He’s also more likely than perhaps any surfer to land something that’s never been stomped before, thus providing content that real surfers tuning in would actually want to see.
Jon Wayne Freeman
What do you get when you take an aging, surf-starved father of two and put him in an environment of alphas and maybe not-so-alpha personalities? Jon Wayne Freeman (star of the “Ultra-Core Surf Hour“) may not win any challenges, but he’d become a kind of surrogate father to his fellow competitors, offering a shoulder to cry on when things get volatile between competitors and an alliance with anyone that needs it. What a guy.
Keoni “Cheeseburger” Nozaki:
Everyone loves an underdog, and no one would make a better Rocky Balboa in this strange surf story than the one and only Cheeseburger. He’d talk copious amounts of shit and play constant mind games with the competition. He’d win challenges, fight dudes for not cleaning up their dishes and hide people’s wax. No one would make for better viewing, or have as much fun doing it, as Cheeseburger.
Any (or all) of the Coffey Sisters
Yikes!
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